I'm So New Orleans... ` (to Nadir Lasana Bomani & Byron Cole)
I’m so New Orleans I was born in Charity Hospital… I'm so New Orleans I hung out in the same bars as my teachers when I was 15-16 years old I’m so New Orleans I know what’s meant by Bulldogs, Rams, Green Hornets and Purple Knights I'm so New Orleans I still use HAI KARATE I use words like “BOO-COO BIG” and pronounce “Vieux Carre” as “Voo Carre” I'm so New Orleans I use words like “cornder” and I call anthrax “AMTRAK” I'm so New Orleans I say things like "“ba-a-a-a-a-a-a-bay”... I know how to pronounce “Toulouse” and "Tchoupitoulas" (even though I cain't spell it)I'm so New Orleans I have a framed pitcha of a chineyball treeI'm so New Orleans I had a chineyball tree in my back yard On Dumaine St.I'm so New Orleans I fell out the chineyball tree and broke my arm…I'm so New Orleans I use any excuse to have a party (National New Orleans Day) I got Mardi Gras beads on my bedposts, wear orange, purple, green, and gold pajamas (and dream ‘bout the Sixth Ward all night long) I’m so New Orleans when I hear the name “Doctor” I know they ain’t nobody sick I’m so New Orleans when I hear the name “Professor” I know they ain’t talkin’ ‘bout college I’m so New Orleans when I hear, “Hey, ba-a-a-a-aby” I know what they talkin’ ‘bout I'm so New Orleans I know somebody named Trazi I know somebody named Chopsley I know somebody named Zebadee and Oatie P. I know somebody named Blink I know somebody named PinkI’m so New Orleans I know somebody named Stink…I'm so New Orleans Father Grant told me, "Go to Clark, Champ” where I had a track coach named Bacchus and a English teacher named SanchezI’m so New Orleans I read poetry at Borsodi’s and The Neighborhood GalleryI'm so New Orleans I call my tenth floor balcony "the gallerie"I’m so New Orleans I know what it mean when a woman put that red gravy on a man I know what it mean when a woman put salt in a man’ shoes and I know what it mean when somebody burn a candle on youI'm so New Orleans Bust Down is my favorite rapperI'm so New Orleans I was watchin’ the news about the civil war in Angola and thought it was about the jailI’m so New Orleans my boy just got back from Angola (and I ain’t talkin’ ‘bout Africa)I’m so New Orleans I know the difference between Big Oil and Big EarlI’m so New Orleans I remember when there was a black side and a white side of the lakeI’m so New Orleans I remember Hap Glaudi makin’ that statement ‘bout “that lil’ monkey” (Never forget) I remember when they dragged Avery Alexander down the steps of City Hall (Never forget)I lived through segregation and gentrification (Never forget)I'm so New Orleans I can tell who be passin’ cuz half my family “bright” and half my family “dark”I still grow plants (legal ones) in CDM cans and I cain’t stand canned gumbo, canned music or canned red beansI’m so New Orleans almost everybody I know cook, play music, write poetry, dance, or drink me under the tableI'm so New Orleans I ain’t gon’ talk ‘bout yo’ daddy – I’ma talk ‘bout yo’ mommaI'm so New Orleans when I'm back East I still say "trumpeTIER" (insteada "trumpeter") I call turtle “cowann” and I know that “Kermit” is mo’ than a frog…
I’m so New Orleans I used to wait for the bell peppers to go on sale at Circle Food Sto’I'm so New Orleans that when I saw my uncle’ pretty girlfriend I thought she was a movie starI still try to hold dat note on RAINBOW ’65 and lose my breath and start coughin’I still look for Ban Lon shirts in the GOODWILL Sto’, and I still like day-old doughnuts rather than the fresh ones…I had a pair of PF Flyers and upgraded to U.S. KedsI rode the Sunset Limited all the way to California and oohed and ah-ah-‘d when relatives drove us to see Nat King Cole’s house I’m so New Orleans my daddy told me he was gon’ turn me in to the gown men for a sack o’ potatoes and 5 pounds o’ sugar…
I'm so New Orleans I play The Backatown Blues at my birthday partiesI’m so New Orleans Mem Shannon is my favorite guitar player (and cab driver), Willie Cole is my favorite drummer and I know Who Shot the La-La and Who Killa The Chief… I'm so New Orleans I climbed trees to get mispoleevesI'm so New Orleans I live in Connecticut and have gumbo on Sunday, red beans on Monday, seafood on Friday and butter beans on SaturdayI'm so New Orleans I know a former Bally BoyI’m so New Orleans I got a BIG, BLACK umbrellaI'm so New Orleans I know ‘bout the voodoo lady, the snowball man, the knife- sharpening man, the milk man, the ice man, the rag man, the feed man (who sold chickenfeed for chickenfeed), the waffle man, the egg man, the cotton candy man, the shrimp man, the paper man, and the vejitibble man-- "I got ba-na-nas, watermell-on, sweet pato-oo-oo-oo-oo-tee! I got ba-na-nas, watermell-on rade to dee rind! --so goo-oo-oo--ood it keep the ba-a-a-a-a-aby from cryin'!"
I'm so New Orleans I lived in a rented shotgun house and had a garden in the back yardI played with my army men in the back yard and me and my daddy built a skatin’ truckI'm so New Orleans I saw swarming seas of mosquito hogs flyin’ overhead on sweltering summer evenings in back then (I don’t know where they went)I'm so New Orleans as a child I had a job on a softdrink truckI’m so New Orleans all my momma’ and daddy’ friends became my aunts and unclesI'm so New Orleans I took a $.25 ride and picture on a palomino pony in front my house I had a Hopalong Cassidy sweatshirt, a Fanner 50 and a hula-hoop (I ain’t never played no jacks)I’m so New Orleans I got a cousin named ZellieI'm so New Orleans I have a cousin who was a Carnival kingI have a cousin workin’ on her Ph.D. and a cousin who always inandouta in jail…I’m so New Orleans I went to visit somebody on the 3rd floor of Charity (and they wanted to keep me)I'm so New Orleans people tell me, "Boy-- you some crazy, yeah!"I’m so New Orleans I remember shoppin’ at Maison Blanche AnnexI’m so New Orleans my family took bus rides from the Sixth Ward to the lake for a picnic I’m so New Orleans I remember standin’ in front the window of Maison Blanche on Canal St. and staring at Mr. BingleI’m so New Orleans I always wondered why Mr. Bingle wasn’t with Santy Claus on Christmas EveI’m so New Orleans I remember catchin’ the City Park or the St. Bernard Bus on the side o’ KRAUSSI’m so New Orleans I still play Tonk, Spades, and Pitty-Pat (for a quarter) I still crush ice by wrappin’ it in a white towel and bammin’ it on the kitchen counter I still wear tailor-made pants and wing-tipped shoes I go to the repast when I don’t even know the deceased I make groceries and draw water I went to the show at the Carver and the CLABON (in the same day) and I learned about sex at the X-rated theater on Canal St.I’m so New Orleans I feel safe on Claiborne & DumaineI’m so New Orleans I remember when Edwin Edwards visited the 9th WardI’m so New Orleans I lined trashcans with the States-Item and the PicayuneI'm so New Orleans I saved money cuttin' grass, bought a TANDY Leathercraft kit and made a leather belt and wallet I’m so New Orleans I played BINGO at the church every week and I knew girls who dyed they hair with Kool-Aid…
I'm so New Orleans my momma worked for HASPELS and I had turtles and parakeets for petsI'm so New Orleans I crushed up the French bread when my momma made puddin’ My momma made the sign-of-the-cross on the French bread befo’ she cut it My momma made my first dashiki My momma said, "Whoever don't like it -- lump it!" My momma said, “I done brought you here – and I’ll take yo’ behind away!”I’m so New Orleans my momma told me to stop actin’ like I was born in Mandeville… I'm so New Orleans I had uncles who was porters at the PLAYBOY Club I wanted to grow up and be a oyster shucker and we kept a hatchet upstairs so we could break through the roof in case of a flood…
I'm so New Orleans I tell people I’ma holler at ‘emI know what “humbug” meanI know what “mawfiddice” meanI know what ”It ain’t my fault” meanI know what “Git-the-funk-out-my-face” meanI’m so New Orleans I believe that anybody with a law degree is qualified to run for public officeI’m so New Orleans I know what misrepresentation and undereducation mean I know what “privatization” mean I know what “Teach for America” mean I know what “wind vs. water” mean I know what “gentrification” meanI’m so New Orleans I know what “they don’t want us here no mo’” (if they ever did) meanI’m so New Orleans I announce that I’m ‘bout to do something… “I’m fittin’ to walk out the do’” “I’m fittin’-nuh run to the sto’” “I’m fittin’-nuh fry this fish” “I’m fittin’-nuh berl these strimps” “I’m fittin’-nuh make these beans” “I’m fittin’-nuh run to the washateria”I’m so New Orleans I say, “I’m fittin’-nuh put these 13EEEs up yo’ -- -- LAWD TODAY!!!!!” I’m so New Orleans I wrote a book called My Name Is New Orleans I'm so New Orleans I get mountains of applause for my work -- but molehills of purchases...I’m so New Orleans I’m writing this long “I’m So New Orleans” poemI'm so New Orleans I’m sittin’ up here – half-sleep – writin’ a poem ‘bout how I’m so New Orleans… I live on the East Coast and listen to WBOK every mornin’ If I see a bright-skinned dude up here I call him “Red” I order setups in midtown Manhattan I say “Hey baby” and rattle the radical feminists I say Where y'at, yeah-ya-right, sho-ya'-right, I know DAT'S right and WHO DAT at poetry readings in Boston I call the traffic island in New York “the neutral ground” I was in Maine last week and was so excited ‘bout seein' a mosquito hog I took a pitcha of it…
I'm so New Orleans I shopped at PAPSI’m so New Orleans I used to wait for the bell peppers to go on sale at Circle Food StoreI'm so New Orleans I know a poet and college professor who grew up across the street from Hardin ParkI'm so New Orleans I put ketchup on grits, mynaze on lima beans, and potato salad
on top my gumboI'm so New Orleans I eat erysters and I like gittin’ crabsI eat tails and suck heads (and say something like that in public)I’m so New Orleans I bought fried chicken from a bakery I order SLAP YO' MOMMA online and I ask for yaca mein in Chinatown…I'm so New Orleans a army general told me I wasn’t a refugee -- I was a displaced AmericanI’m so New Orleans I still drink rum & coke and all my girlfriends’ mommas was barmaidsI’m so New Orleans my momma told me, “If you don’t stop dat cryin’ – I’ma give you something to cry ‘bout!”I'm so New Orleans I been in Tony's Green Room, Joe and Jean’s, Bazanac's, The House of Joy, Hank's, Blunt’s, Mulé’s, the Peacock, the Snowflake, Devil's Den, Dell's, the Brown Derby, the Blue Goose, Desert Sands, and the Cozy Corner (anywhere but Tuckey’s Dome) I still make shrimp Po-boys on Fridays and ask for hot sausage sandwiches (in New Haven) I like to hear the scratches on the old records and I know what sport Isaiah King and Charlie Powell playedI’m so New Orleans I call A.P. Tureaud “London Ave.” and I call Oretha Castle Haley “Dryades St.” I still call the projects by they old names (even if they ain’t ‘round no mo’)I'm so New Orleans I'ma mow my absentee neighbor's lawn and git they lot (You know you wro-o-o-o-ong for dat)I'm so New Orleans I been all over the U.S. and traveled abroad (and still know there ain't nuthin' like a Sixth Ward woman)I like big tips, big hips, and big lips…I'm so New Orleans I live on the East Coast -- with all these fine, rich, smart, pretty wimmins --and cain't stop thinkin’ ‘bout that BIG, FINE woman in the 9th Ward…
I'm so New Orleans… I get tongue-tied when I try to pronounce the word "gentrification" -when I try to pronounce the word “asphyxiation” -when I try to pronounce the word “consciousness” -when I try to pronounce the word “hypothesis” -when I try to pronounce the word “innuendo” -when I try to pronounce the word “subliminally” -when I try to pronounce the word “abominable” -when I try to pronounce the word “antithesis” I’m so New Orleans I get tongue-tied when I try to pronounce my own last name…
I'm so New Orleans I bought plants and 45 RPMs in the backa KRESS
I'm so New Orleans I call marbles "chinees" and I call subway tokens “carfare” I got a friend named Dago (and he ain’t Italian)I’m so New Orleans I know a straight man named “DeCuir”. I know a dark-skinned dude named Snow I got a black friend named Whitey I got a white friend named Craig X -and I still make the sign-of-the-cross whenever I pass a churchI'm so New Orleans people away from home think I speak a foreign languageI’m so New Orleans I obliterate the languageI'm so New Orleans insteada sayin’ “Excuse me” I say ‘Oops, my ba-a-a-a-a-ad’”I use words like “bammin’”I use words like “cornder”I say things like "“ba-a-a-a-a-a-a-bay”... I ask for sammiches "dressed" and ask for pepper sausage and liver cheese at New York delisI say things like “I like-ted dat”I say things like “LAWD, HAIR MERCY!!!!” I say things like "you ain't never lied"I ask people, "Ya' heard me?!!"(when I know good & well they did)I start sentences off with "Back in the day..." and end 'em with the word "yeah", yeah…I’m so New Orleans I use the word “some” as an adjective I say things like “Dat’s some nice, yeah.” I tells wimmins, “You some pretty. You some pretty, yeah…You pretty from teef to toe”I’m so New Orleans I say: “Gir-r-r-r-r-rlll – you some fine, yeah!”I’m so New Orleans I say: “Uhm-uhm-mmmm…Dis some good, yeah!”
I’m so New Orleans FaceBook's translator pop up when I write something…I'm so New Orleans I carry a umbrella under live oak trees so I don't get stung by caterpillarsI'm so New Orleans my sister worked for the racetrackI’m so New Orleans I worked for SUNO, the Job Corps, and the Urban League I'm so New Orleans my name is Arthur, but my nickname is Billy (?????) I'm so New Orleans I refer to the elders by a "Mr." or "Miss'' befo’ they FIRST -- rather than they last nameI’m so New Orleans I called my grandmother “Mah-Dear” I got people in my family named Doona, Doody, Boobie, Junior, Pah-DEE, and Tee-TEE I know people named Mah-DOO, Boo, Zigaboo, Black Boo, Cayou, Bubby, Nubby, Bay-BAY, Ray-Ray, Too-Too, Mah-Moo, Bob-Boo, Noo-Noo, Bob-Bee, and Schneckenburger… I know cats named Big Wooty, Lil’ Wooty, Noony, Doony, Dip, Big Harold, Lil’ Harold, Big George, Lil’ George, Big Herman, Lil’ Herman, Big Hicky, Lil’ Hicky, and a lady named Big Willie… I got friends named Pissy and Pissy-Boo and three friends named CountryI got friends named BIG ED and friends named Lil’ Bit and Piece O’ Me (his momma named him dat)I got BIG, FAT FRIENDS and lil’ itty-bitty skinny friends (and I luvv ‘em all) I know somebody named Soraparu, Hookfin, Cockerham, Dooky and Pasooky I even know a woman named Nooky (and she like to be called dat) I know people named Red, Black, Brown and BlueI'm so New Orleans I ran into UptownzIllist in a record store on Canal St. and I know Ricardo “Big Easy” WilsonI know a woman named Keion and a brother named MandingoI’m po’ -- but I’m on a first-name basis with the bank president…I had high school classmates named Willoughby, Woodfork and WoodfoxI had high school classmates named Smitty and KittyI'm so New Orleans I had a high school classmate named…TittyI'm so New Orleans I played baseball for the Gentilly Warriors and thought people who lived in Pontchartrain Park was richI'm so New Orleans my gran’ma, my momma, my sisters, my cousins and my aunts wore Daniel Green slippers (some still wear ‘em, but they ain’t gon’ tell you dat)I remember when Christian Unity Baptist Church was a bowling alley and I laugh when I hear the words “LET HER HAVE IT”I'm so New Orleans I ate at Chez Helene’s on Robertson after my high school prom and went to weddings in the Lafitte ProjectI know ‘bout the lady who grazed her horse on the levee and I learnt how to swim in Lake PontchartrainIn fact -- I pronounce Pontchartrain “Punchatrain”I'm so New Orleans I know ‘bout the big, round pool in Abita Springs and went to Boy Scout camp in Indian VillageI still play Joe Tex records and I can hear the music, smell the roux, and feel the love…I’m so New Orleans I sense both the magnificence and longsuffering of the peopleI’m so New Orleans that I sing and shout and holler their praises their beauteous splendor that inspires and amazes their colors and smells and street vendor yells…I'm so New Orleans I surrender to its splendor and rejoice in its beatific bosomI'm so New Orleans every word and deed I attempt to portray in my poetry was, is, and will be about the city that blossoms in my heart like a flower and springs from my fingers like tongues of fire...
I’m just so New Orleans…
Arthur Pfister is a New Orleans native. A prolific poet and short story writer, he specializes in spoken word and jazz collaborations. He is now teaching in Connecticut, but he enjoys a steady performance travel schedule that allows him to return to the Crescent City. Pfister's most recent book is My Name is New Orleans. Several of his works and an introduction to a new short fiction collection were featured in the Katrina 2012 issue of NOLADiaspora.
